REFLECTION: how gratitude found me
As I sit down to write this, I realize that it has been exactly one month since my last day at my full-time job. I was already going to write about my self-employed life, but now it seems like I’ve picked the perfect day to do so!
In all honesty, I wasn’t keeping track of how long it had been. I’d actually figured the one-month mark had already passed without me realizing. And I view this as a strong indicator that I made the right decision, because it means I have gotten so much done that I can’t believe it’s only been a month.
Why I did it
I started really thinking about leaving my job back in January. I was feeling a little burnt out by the broadcast news industry, which can be exciting and interesting at times, but is actually very monotonous and redundant most of the time. It can also be very, very depressing.
This feeling grew even stronger soon after, when a former professor invited me to speak to his class about my work. It seems I am doing this once or twice a semester now for professors I have a good relationship with, and I absolutely love doing it. However, these sessions often involved me answering questions like, “What are you currently working on?”
With months in between these sessions, one would think that I would have something new to say each time. But I didn’t. It was always something like, “Well, I’m always just trying to find the time to make new work…”
And I really was. But with 40 hours each week sucked up by my job, obligations toward my loved ones, other responsibilities, what little time I was willing to set aside for enrichment, and a chronic illness that makes me more prone to fatigue than most people my age… It really didn’t leave much for me in terms of time to work on my craft, no matter how hard I tried. It became so clear to me; I was never going to accomplish my goals if I didn’t find a way to free up some time.
I also cannot overemphasize how mentally draining it was to leave for work every day. I worked the evening shift, so I got to spend my mornings as I pleased. I would normally spend them on my iPad, my beautiful cat sleeping next to me, getting all the work done that I physically could. But it was never enough, and once the clock struck a certain time, I would have no choice but to stop when I felt like I was just getting started.
I was so, so tired of that feeling. Something needed to change.
My final weeks
For the record, I really do not recommend giving two whole months’ notice when leaving a job, which is what I did. I did this for a couple of reasons; one, I didn’t feel ready to say goodbye to a job and coworkers that had treated me well, and two, I’m way too nice, I know how slow the hiring process is in this industry, and I wanted to give management plenty of time to find my replacement before I left them. (I know. I’m a cuckold to the system.)
The reason I really don’t recommend this is because the anticipation was miserable. I went from being an upbeat worker who always went above and beyond to an upbeat worker who always went above and beyond who also had a bad case of senioritis. (Like I said, total cuck.) That tug-of-war between my annoyingly loyal spirit and how utterly ready I was to move on with my life made for a rough time for ol’ CC.
This also allowed my anxiety to rear its ugly head. Giving myself this much time to say goodbye to my job caused me to really reflect on all of the problems I had with the job that I had never really done anything about. All of the negative feelings I had toward my job duties and some of my coworkers started building up. This resulted in two completely involuntary breakdowns triggered by minor incidents. All in all, I was not well for those last two months.
(On the bright side, a very therapeutic comic actually came out of one of these breakdowns! Here it is:)
My last day was bittersweet. Management got me not one but TWO cakes, not one, not two, but THREE goodbye cards with signatures from everyone, and I seriously just felt so loved and valued.
No matter my issues with the job, one thing is for sure. I came to the job with severe impostor syndrome, and I left it knowing that not only am I good enough to work there, but I am also good enough to leave so I can follow my dreams.
I am so grateful for what I had then.
And I am so grateful for what I have now.
My self-employed life
So, how am I doing now? Like, really, how am I doing? I’ve been asked this a lot over the last month.
Well, without boring you with all the talk of the business paperwork I’ve been completing and all my dreadful social media outreach, and without revealing more about my future projects than I should at this time, I will leave you with this.
Last week, I was sitting on the chair in my bedroom with my iPad, working on one of my many projects that are currently in motion.
Earlier in the week, I had made great progress on my next zine, which I really think is going to be my best one yet. I made progress on a much larger project that will be the next few years in the making. I finished concept art for both of these projects, and guys, it looks fuckin’ great.
I’ve also been getting more reading done. I’ve been watching more movies and television. I’ve been spending time with friends. I feel so enriched, for the first time in so long. And best of all, I am significantly less tired.
I looked up from my iPad at my bed. There, on the duvet, peaceful as Heaven itself, was my cat that I love more than I can comprehend. It’s plain to see that she has been so much happier since I left my job.
And dear god, so am I.
I’ve been told so many times to practice gratitude. To regularly think about the good things in my life and sit in my thankfulness. Gratitude is good, but it takes continuous effort that, in all honesty, is so hard to keep up with.
That moment, in the quiet of my bedroom, iPad in hand, looking at my beautiful and blissful pet, was the first time I didn’t have to reach for gratitude. Instead, gratitude reached for me. It washed over me and flooded my whole heart.
I took a moment to sit in it. And then I went right back to work.
Friendly reminder that BAD ATHEIST VOLUME ONE, my newest zine, is available now in my shop. It is available as a zine that can be shipped to you OR a digital download!
That’s all for now, friends.
xoxo,
cooklin