REFLECTION: don't go on reddit
Happy Asexual Awareness Week, my precious cooklinites.
Many of you have found me through my comics on asexuality (which are on sale until the end of the week 👀), so I thought I’d do a little somethin-somethin for you.
As an asexual who is in a relationship with an allosexual (which means non-asexual), I wanted to observe this occasion by sharing a message to people in this specific situation. Read through it, absorb it, and share it with anyone who might need it.
When the general populace considers a romantic relationship between an asexual and an allosexual (non-asexual), they likely sympathize with the allosexual first.
After all, they are the ones making the sacrifice. Right?
Well, in my experience being in one of these relationships and observing other couples in this situation, the asexual in this situation typically bears the brunt of the emotional difficulty.
The fact of the matter is, the allosexual has made the choice to be in a relationship with someone who is not sexually attracted to them, and to likely be in a sexless or near sexless relationship. It may or may not feel like a sacrifice to them, but regardless, it is a choice they have made, and it is typically not more complex than that for them.
For the asexual, on the other hand, it can be somewhat of a mindfuck.
Think about it this way. An asexual has no idea what it is like to experience sexual attraction to people. All they have to work with to understand their partner is societal messages they have learned about sex.
Some of these societal messages:
Humans have needs.
Frequent sex is essential to the longevity of a relationship.
If they’re not getting it from you, they must be getting it from somewhere else.
(and, in some extreme cases I’ve seen) Cheating is justified if the other partner isn’t putting out.
What, then, is the asexual supposed to feel? Most people are not asexual. Their partner was much more likely to have ended up with a fellow allosexual, but they didn’t. The asexual is essentially the reason the relationship is like this.
They are the reason their partner is living a life that is unnatural to them.
They are the reason their partner must be suffering on the inside, even if they won’t admit it.
They are the reason their relationship is very clearly doomed.
This is, obviously, catastrophizing, but it is the exact line of thinking so many of us end up in, myself included. It doesn’t matter how many times the allosexual partner reassures the asexual partner that this is fine, that it doesn’t bother them, that their love for them is more than enough. Those deeply ingrained societal messages are so much stronger.
If you are in this situation, I see you. I get you. I know how it all feels.
You may be experiencing self-hatred, a desire to not be asexual, paranoia that your partner will cheat or leave or are lying when they say that they are okay with this, intense jealousy for allosexual people, feeling like a walking disappointment, or worrying that you will never be enough.
First of all, I want you to make sure that the guilt and shame you are feeling is coming from these societal messages, and not from your partner. If it is your partner making you feel this way, or making it worse, I am heartbroken for you. You deserve someone who loves and accepts every part of you.
But if your relationship is otherwise healthy, you need to shed this guilt and shame. It will take time. I can honestly say that it was only this year that I began to do this. If you are not there yet, that doesn’t mean you will never get there. You have the strength to live free of this. I promise.
And since I have made progress of my own, I wanted to share my tips for coming out on the other side and finally being able to embrace the beautiful dynamic you and your partner share.
Deconstruct the harmful societal ideas at the root of your feelings. Ask yourself where you heard these ideas. Then, ask yourself where you think these ideas came from, why they spawned, and why they persist to this day. Personally, I recommend feminist literature and theory. Many of these ideas, at the root, are anti-woman. They are designed to shame women, asexual or not, into sexual compliance for the benefit of men. Breaking down these ideas through studying feminism was a lifesaver for me in this arena.
Talk openly with your partner on a regular basis about your feelings. The comic at the top of this post is indeed very real, but I do genuinely want to caution against validation being the main focus of these conversations. As I said before, it is likely that no amount of validation will improve your state of mind. Instead, see these conversations as check-ins. Make learning more about each other the main goal. And ensure that you are both being thoroughly listened to, which sounds obvious, but can be easy to forget.
Talk through this with a therapist. I personally recommend a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT. The downward spirals you are experiencing are caused by cognitive distortions and catastrophizing, which is exactly what CBT is designed to combat. Be careful about seeking a sex therapist or a therapist who specializes in treating queer people — unfortunately, because asexuality is so invisible, we are not in a place yet where we can blindly trust either of these types of therapists to understand even the most basic facts about asexuality. It is much more important that you find a therapist trained in CBT who is ready to listen and learn.
Don’t seek advice on Reddit. You will inevitably wind up on r/DeadBedrooms or another place filled with these awful “sex is a basic need” types, and there, you will spiral more and more. Those people don’t know anything. They will not help you. Stay away! I’m so serious!
Fellow asexual, it is not your fault that society is like this. However, unfortunately, healing from the effects of our society is your responsibility, especially when these wounds are wrapped up in another person. Some unlearning and unpacking is in order, but if my chaotic ass can do it, you certainly can, too.
When I started on this journey, there was no guidebook. There is still no guidebook. But I hope that this little post can serve as a starting point for you as you work through these horribly complex emotions.
Happy Ace Week.
xoxo,
cooklin